Not feeling worthy of sleep

3/4/2021

Girl lying in bed with pink duvet and navy headboard

Do you ever get stuck in a loop of doing nothing and depriving yourself of sleep?

Sometimes I just don't want to go to sleep, and instead lie in bed for hours watching a show on my phone or scroll through Reddit. Obviously this is not giving much value or making the next day better when I'm tired from not enough sleep, but I do it anyway.

The other day we watched an episode of our current show, and when it turned out to be the second to last we naturally had to finish the last one as well. ;) When it was done it was 9.40pm, and I thought "I can still do the last coat on the door frame I'm painting before bed." However, the thought felt a bit daunting, so I picked up my phone just to prolong the time before I had to start, and suddenly it was an hour later and too late to work on house projects. So I repeated the pattern above and didn't go to sleep until almost one in the morning.

It's one of those behaviors I know is bad for me, but is hard to stop. But I couldn't quite figure out why I do it until yesterday.

Getting more of what you do (nothing gives more nothing)

Yesterday I cooked after work and then spent a few hours painting. When I was done I brushed my teeth, stretched, did my face-care routine, and wrote in my journal. After that I massaged my neck while finishing an episode I had started earlier, and finished the night writing. And today I woke up naturally rested long before my alarm with enough time to throw in an unplanned weight-lifting session.

Because the thing is, the more I do the easier it is to keep doing things. And when I've been productive and crossed things off my to-do list I feel accomplished and able to relax. I can end the evening in good conscience and look forward to tomorrow. And when I haven't achieved anything tangible, I don't want to go to sleep because then the day is over and I have nothing to show for it. It's like I don't feel worthy of sleep.

I think I put a lot of my self-worth in what I achieve. That's why it was so horrible for me when the Lyme disease was really bad and I was physically unable to do so many things, even basic things like vacuuming. It made me feel pretty worthless. So when I don't achieve anything when I could have . . . it's like I'm wasting my ability.

Redheaded woman on couch hanging over armrest

Photo by Zohre Nemati

Being intentional

The problem the other night is that I had planned to do that coat of paint. It was the one thing I wanted to get done that evening, so not getting it crossed off ignited feelings of failure. Because the evenings when all I want is to curl up in my papasan chair in the library and just read my latest book for hours I have no problem going to sleep at a decent time. Because I did what I had planned to do.

So I think I need to be more intentional with my time. Sometimes of course things don't go according to plan, and there's nothing to do about that. But the other night, even if I didn't get the painting done, I could have chosen to do something else but smaller and less daunting. Or I could have just accepted that this is how the evening went. My partner had a tiring day at work, so I suggested we watch the show since it's based on his favorite book series to cheer him up. And it worked, so mission accomplished. We had a very cozy time, watching it and talking about how much they changed it from the book. That's not a failed night.

For me it really helps to know why I'm doing things and what is triggering a certain behavior. So now when I know the underlying reasons I can talk myself through it and get better outcomes in the future. :)

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