Respecting your boundaries (or having them at all?)

3/29/2021

Girl in blue face mask and black hat looking at camera in group of people

Have you ever put yourself or your boundaries in danger just to avoid being rude or impolite?

A few months into the pandemic I was walking the dog the usual loop around the neighborhood. This old woman I've never seen before called out from across the street how beautiful he is (common occurrence) and I answered the normal questions about his age and breed. Then she asked if she and her husband could pet him, and I --IN THE MIDDLE OF A RAGING PANDEMIC-- wavered in my resolve and crossed the street so they could pet him.

I repeat -- even though we had been quarantining and hadn't seen anyone for over two months, the social construct of being polite was so ingrained in me that I approached two strangers without masks, not wearing one myself because it was supposed to be a solitary walk. And if they were inviting me over to their driveway so easily, I'm assuming they weren't too careful about other people either.

The whole thing made me very uncomfortable and when I kept walking I just couldn't believe myself. I literally put myself at potentially deadly risk just to be polite!!

Respecting your boundaries (or having them at all?)

Being polite vs staying safe

On the plus side I'm really sure that I had already had Covid back in March, even though there weren't any tests easily available to prove it. But at that point we didn't really know anything about it, if you can get re-infected, how soon after, etc. I really berated myself over the stupidity of the whole thing. Not to mention the fact that I probably got it from our last social outing of 2020, a work party where I shook hands with tons of people and ate from a buffet even though I was really worried about the sense in doing so, with the first few cases cropping up in the state. But, again, the urge to keep myself safe was overrun with the need to please strangers.

No one else seemed worried, so I was probably overreacting, right?

Two lego figures shaking hands against white background

Photo by Pawel Czerwinski

Reinforce your boundaries

It is really crazy how we, especially as women, will put ourselves at risk just to not risk offending anyone. In the self-defense class I took a few years back the police officers talked about how women often are led to quiet corners of the bar or off to a dark side street simply because they are afraid to "make a fuss." How the hesitance to speak up and protest can take you from a potentially embarrassing situation to a life-threatening one.

During this last year I have really built up the habit of keeping my distance, of crossing the street to avoid passing people, and to put my own safety over what's normally socially acceptable behavior. (What's "normal" now, anyway?) And I honestly think that this will help me in the future! The constant reinforcing of respecting personal space (and not respecting the people who neglect doing so) will make it so much easier to distance myself from someone who makes me uncomfortable, even if it may be seen as rude.

Respecting boundaries is really important in every relationship, be it romantic, platonic, or familial. But how can we expect others to respect our boundaries, if we don't respect them ourselves? If we don't have them at all?

Challenge: Next time someone makes you uncomfortable in any way, stand up for yourself! No matter how small it is (actually it's better if you start small and practice!), set down your boundary and enforce it. Weather it's someone invading your personal space or putting you down at work, make it known with actions or words that their behavior is not okay and you will not allow yourself to be treated that way.